Kidnapped 105 days…
OK….here I Go!!! (this is scary btw…)
My Name is Toni.
Today I am starting my first post on my new Freedom From Anger Page!!! I decided I wanted to start this because I am at a point in my life where I want to use what I have lived through with my mistakes and hardships to use it to connect and help other people that are looking for what I was looking for!!…
For years I wanted someone that could understand me to my core and help me get out of my deep resentment around my life events. I’ve spent the last 18 years looking for ways to overcome anger and the grudges that I had.
In September 7th, 2001 I was kidnapped, transported in a trunk for hours, brutally mutilated (two ears and one finger)all three parts of me sent to my family, beaten, terrorized and finally released after 105 days in Mexico to find out that the horror I had lived through was just as bad or maybe even less than what my family had gone through.
I had never experienced deep hate and that kind of resentment in my life. I had experienced my father’s kidnapping 7 years before that, but I was not angry. I was very scared about the imagined outcome of losing my father, but when he came back after 60 days we were all grateful. My father was back and alive!!
This was not my case in my own kidnapping experience…I was MAD ANGRY. And I was worried because when I was being held I thought I would be the happiest person on the planet if I was released alive to see my family again!!…I was for a week…but then I saw the effects it had all around my environment and resentment started creeping in.
I saw how my parents faces shifted, I saw how they aged in 105 days, we told each others’ stories while I was in captivity and I became furious to feel their fear and their pain. I was worried I would never have this resolved in me. I can say I started the JOURNEY OF THE SEEKER.
Parallel to this journey I worked with the Mexican Police to investigate the criminal complaint against the kidnappers and with a lot of pride I can now tell the story of how working as a team we were able to put them all in prison. I became very hopeful to know I was going to be able to face them and maybe my hate would dissipate. I was able to face most of them as well as the mastermind gang “boss” and corroborate he was the one. Once face to face I punched him in the face to find he was only a normal person as he fell to the floor, now beaten by me, I was surprised and devastated to feel worse than before, I felt so bad. I was not proud. I was still angry. I was ashamed of my reaction. I was out of myself just feeling shaky and unfamiliar. This was not good. What was I to do now…???
This was getting not only in the way of my personal life but in my business, relationships, started having health issues, stomach aches, head aches, too much stress!! I would explode out on people I worked with, even with my sibblings and my DAD!!! Can u imagine…??
I decided to try out other things like talking to priests (I was raised catholic in Mexico of course..), reading self help books, motivation seminars, talking to very succesful people and friends who were entrepreneurs, I even tried out a psychiatrist that gave me antidepressants. This was awful. Made me numb emotionally. I even became a speaker about my kidnapping experience. I spoke in front of large audiences around Mexico to find relief.
I ended up joining a self help organization in 2003 that sold as Human Potential called NXIVM. Fourteen years later I find out there were horrible things going on like secret groups, the leader having sexual relationships with his female students in his inner circle, there were women being branded with his initials on their pubic region. I could not disagree more with this abuse.
I became the mexican whistleblower for these things. As expected from any modern cult organization (Modus Operandi) they came after me with a false criminal charge in Mexico which I was forced to defend and obviously won. Afterwards this oragnization was charged in Federal Court in the US with a whole criminal complaint.
As you can imagine before this I thought I was done with my anger and resentment issues. How naive was I..!
Living in Mexico with unresolved Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with an ongoing violence environment, being pursued by a powerful coersive CULT after experiencing both sides of kidanpping expereiences (my father being kidnapped and then myself) is not the best scenario for managing anger and resentment. Believe me I tried.
So after this I decided: Either I fix this from the root or I will die soon of a cancer or God knows what… so that is exactly what I did.
My life experience plus my will to finally turn my life around to support my family and be a good father, a good husband, a good citizen of this amazing life has had a PRICE. Yes. But the greatest thing is that I am alive today and I want to share my journey to healing myself and healing my anger. I know there are people who struggle with this because I struggled for years, many years and it’s not good.
I know a lot of people have gone through worst things than I and have been hurt in ways I cannot even imagine. But if there is a will there is a way and if they want out of that maybe I can help them. I know I can. Or maybe lots of people have not lived such horrors but they have resentment or grudges around family members or loved ones and it affects their lives in ways they cannot even imagine because we tend to mask these pains, they are true deep pains we don’t like to surface because they HURT, there is pain involved.
But the answer to getting over this IS PAIN. The pain of loss, the pain of the hurt, they pain of the REAL, the pain of fear, the pain of feeling the other persons’ PAIN….and that is not easy and…It takes courage!! And practice!!! And skill!! And the will to go in deep!!
Listen…I love my life, I love waking up everyday to do my power morning routine and drink that cup of coffee, I love so many things, and I still struggle, but my experience is very different. My struggle is different and I am beginning to like the struggle more and more. Getting comfortable with being uncomfortable.
So…getting back to the initial intention… I want to share myself and 30 day challenge(Juliana Juliana Garcia) of sharing and exposing 30 truths about myself that maybe not even my family know about me!!!! Things I am scared about, reluctant about sharing, scared to share, maybe even emabarrased to share but I know they will leave YOU the reader with something good to apply to your own life as well as my own as I go through it.
I hope as I get in touch with my resilient side, as I tap into some wise decisons and others not so much YOU will learn from this as well.
If you are touched by this statement or any other that I post please let me know however you want. You can also share and like my page and help me grow this message and community.
Mamma mia!! This starts now!!! I’m excited and adrenalized already!!!